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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23889256">I've Been Everywhere</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artescapri/pseuds/tbazzsnow'>tbazzsnow (Artescapri)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow &amp; Related Fandoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Book 2: Wayward Son, Canon Setting, First Impressions, First Meetings, M/M, Renaissance Faire, Shep POV, Shep does not mince words, Wayward Son timeframe, mention of vampires, vaguely canonical setting, verging on crack fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:54:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,047</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23889256</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artescapri/pseuds/tbazzsnow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard's first impressions of Baz, Simon and Penny the day of their first encounter in Nebraska. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and Shep is not that impressed with what he is beholding. Well, with maybe one exception.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I've Been Everywhere</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/VKelleyArt/gifts">Mudblood428 (VKelleyArt)</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Idea for this from Rainbow's tweet delineating that Baz is "described as perfect by the person who is in love with him. ALL ATTRACTION IS SUBJECTIVE!" which gave me some ideas that come into play in this fic. </p><p>written with love and affection for my dear friend @mudblood428! I hope this makes you smile, my friend! Happy birthday!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>I’ve Been Everywhere</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Shepard</b>
</p><p>I don’t think I would have given them a second look if it wasn’t for the wings.  </p><p>You see a lot of unusual cosplay at Ren Faires. You see a lot of cleavage too, but I’m not going to complain about that.  </p><p>Some of the cosplay is amateur, homemade, but still in the mood of the whole thing, you know? And some of it is expert level, seriously slick.  </p><p>Those wings were something else. Those wings were <em> magic. </em> </p><p>It’s hard to spot Speakers. They blend in, glamour the obvious, layer on the mundanity, making it nearly impossible to catch even a glimmer of the magic they hold. They go out of their way to do it, to mask the magic.  </p><p>Not these three. At least not in the usual way.  </p><p>Granted they looked pretty run-of-the-mill at first sight—a chubby, Middle-eastern looking girl in something like anime cosplay, what with that school uniform look. The tall, dark-haired guy with the Anne Rice, modern vamp vibe. My eyes almost slid over the stocky dude with them–he was just so ordinary looking<em> .  </em></p><p>Until those wings popped.</p><p>Maybe that should have been my clue. The <em> ordinary</em>. But it didn’t feel like the way Speakers usually mask it.   </p><p>Because once I took a good look at them, they were practically <em> leaking </em>magic everywhere. Like they failed a Subtlety of Magic class or something. Do they have classes for Speakers? Like schools where they learn to control the magic and filter it, to hide it in plain sight? </p><p>I wonder. I’ve never heard about anything like that on the message boards.  </p><p>These guys would obviously be dropouts, if they actually do have schools like that. They could use a semester of Remedial Magical Skills 101 or whatever they’d call it. </p><p>Those wings got my attention. They looked <em> so real, </em>even from a distance. Fluid. Not like the mechanical stuff I’ve seen before. And there was that weird thrum in the air when they popped out.  </p><p>I mean, I’m not saying I can sense Speakers or anything, but there’s definitely been a change since the whole demon incident. Like I crossed a threshold or something, with magical beings? Like a veil was lifted, maybe. </p><p>I can spot them a lot better. Most of the time. </p><p>These three though. They didn’t look like much at first glance but they may as well have had <em> SPEAKERS </em>tattooed on their foreheads, the way they were acting. As if I could stay away from that. </p><p>I don’t know what was up with all that nonsense they were doing at the Faire. Wands out in the open. Magical words flying. Poorly, at that. </p><p>They really must be dropouts or complete dumb-asses or have gone rogue or something. No <em> magicians </em>would ever risk being so blatantly obvious with their magic.</p><p>I mean, I’ve followed other Speakers before and I’ve never seen a hint of a wand or heard a whisper of a spell cast out loud. I’ve read up on it—on the web, on the message boards, heard from other people who were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the magic workers doing their thing.</p><p>I’ve managed a few words with one or two myself. </p><p>But they’re evasive, secretive. They don’t talk about magic, they don’t even admit they’re magic. And they most certainly don’t go around sprouting functional dragon wings, decapitating fellow vampires with funky spells and using wands in public.  </p><p>I’d be surprised if these three aren’t on some delinquent wanted list. </p><p>I trailed them when they left the Faire. For a whole mess of reasons. </p><p>They’re intriguing, for one. I’ve always wanted to know more about Speakers. These guys, they’re so out of control, so careless with it. I thought maybe this was finally my chance. My chance to get in with Speakers, find out what I can about them. Research, you know?</p><p>They’re nothing like the ones I’ve read about, the ones I’ve sweet-talked into spending a bit of time with me. </p><p>A witch-girl who decapitates first, asks questions later. </p><p>Berserker fly-boy. </p><p>And then that magical vampire. That’s a new one. A vampire <em> with a wand </em>. Who kills other vampires. I’d have said they were some sort of elite, covert, vampire infiltration squad, what with the decapitation and dusting they unleashed a few hours ago on the local Dracula crowd. </p><p>If they weren’t so completely inept at the<em> covert </em> part of that equation. </p><p>Maybe they’ve got something to do with the Next Blood.    </p><p>Not that I got a chance to ask. They bugged out of there before I could get close enough to start chatting, introduce myself, get a conversation going. </p><p>They probably wouldn’t have given me the time of day, being magicians. Even though I helped that homely Edward Cullen wannabe with his spell. He’d have been dusted if I hadn’t. </p><p>I get why he chose to stick with the vampire cosplay.  I mean, I can see it. Camouflage yourself in plain sight. It makes sense. Puts people off your trail. </p><p>He’s pale. And he’s got a widow’s peak.  </p><p>But still. The circles under his eyes kind of detract from <em> the look </em> . And that crooked nose. It’s kind of the first thing you notice—it really takes over his face, like he’s <em> all nose</em>. Overly groomed eyebrows, far too heavy with the foundation, and then that honker. Yeah. He’s no Edward Cullen, that’s for sure. </p><p>I can’t believe they’re driving right into a Quiet Zone. You’d think they’d know what a bad idea that is. But then again, these three seem mighty clueless for magicians. Or vampires. Or harpy hybrids. Whatever they are. </p><p>It was quick thinking by Edward (I’m just going to call him Edward, it’s easier) to act like it was all a show. That might work for run-of-the-mill Normals. But anyone like me—or a demon in disguise, any Maybe really–wouldn’t be fooled. </p><p>Not with them spilling magic like that. I’ve never seen anything like it. Spells, magic fire, the dude bro guy literally <em> flying. </em>(I’m going to call him Kevin, it’s easier.)</p><p>It was unreal. </p><p>I flash the brights. I don’t know how to get these idiots to pull over. If they’re driving right at it, they’ve got no clue what trouble they’re getting themselves into. </p><p>I flash the brights again. The Mustang just speeds up. </p><p>Mustangs aren’t made for late night drag races on gravel. I try to stay close behind. They come back onto the main road just before the Henge. </p><p>Well, that’s it. Just crossed into the Quiet Zone. </p><p>I speed up. </p><p>The Mustang practically does a donut as it turns into the parking lot. No idea how to drive either. They need more than some friendly advice–they need a handler. Like a chaperone or something. </p><p>I pull up in front of them. Cut the engine and the lights. Get out. </p><p>“Hi.”</p><hr/><p>They don’t trust me but at least they let me get them out of that mess with Jeff Arnold. Never a good idea to cross Jeff or any of his posse.</p><p>And I was right about this crew. They are careless. The girl–Penny–she just magicked her way in here, into this hotel room, without a care in the world. Then she cast half a dozen spells on the other two. Simon and Baz. (I’ll have to stop calling them Kevin and Edward in my head.) </p><p>Spell after spell, to try to get the skunk funk off. It’s not as bad as it was, I’ll say that. Not as good as it would have been if we’d had tomato soup, but I doubt there’s a spell for bringing bathtubs of soup into existence. </p><p>She just cast them all in front of me, like I didn’t even exist. I expect they’re going to try something on me. I wouldn’t put it past them. They’re not masking their distrust, I can tell you that. Not the first time I’ve dealt with that and I’m sure not the last. I’m used to it by now. </p><p>These three don’t seem to be following any set playbook, just reacting to situations as they come up. I suppose you could call it resourceful and bold, but that doesn’t fly with the local Maybes or the resident Speakers. </p><p>Not the way it’s supposed to be done. There’ll be a reckoning if they don’t watch out. </p><p>That’s where I come in, if I can smooth talk them well enough to get past their defenses. Penny’s fierce, I’ll give her that. Put a proverbial knife to my throat while I was driving the getaway car. I don’t know if that’s sheer bravado or stupid desperation. Probably both. </p><p>I should be able to bring her around. If she ever lets me get to talking, that is.</p><p>They all look like hell. Grubby, exhausted, the faint aroma of skunk still clinging to them. </p><p>I’m right about Baz though. He’s a vampire, no question. Took a chestful of shotgun pellets and lived to tell. I don’t know if <em> lived </em> is necessarily the right word. </p><p>Survived might be more accurate. I know people call them the undead but I didn’t really believe it until I got up close and personal with this guy. Scrawnier than the Twilight vamps and a lot less sparkly, for one. Almost as fast though, when he was running alongside the truck. </p><p>But there’s a weird innocence to him. I don’t know if that’s the right word. </p><p>I mean, he’s fierce too. Cold as ice, grimly menacing. Certainly not afraid to play with fire, which seems a bit risky to me, considering. </p><p>No qualms about incinerating his own kind, that’s for sure. </p><p>I’ve seen vampires before, from a distance. Like the ones at the Faire. They’re pale and arrogant, powerful and vicious. </p><p>None of them ever looked quite this lost. </p><p>He and Penny collapsed on the bed by the window almost as soon as we got in the room. I hadn’t pegged them as a pair, but it works, I guess, if you squint. </p><p>Opposites attract, so they say. </p><p>And they are opposites, at least in looks. He’s tall and lanky, pale as the moon, all sharp edges. She’s short and round, warm brown skin, warm brown eyes. At least they’re warm when she’s looking at the two of them. They’re blazing and accusatory when they’re on me, that’s for sure. </p><p>Still, they’re nice eyes. </p><p>Edward’s—I mean Baz’s—nose is even more noticeable up close. It’s like they fitted him with the wrong size? Like it was made for a much larger person. Someone with a broader face. And it’s too high, like it needs to be shoved down a half inch. That’d probably make the proportions even worse, what with that wide mouth of his. </p><p>Was his mouth always that way, I wonder? Or did it get bigger because of the fangs?</p><p>I have so many questions.</p><p>Doesn’t look like I’m getting any answers tonight. Penny and Baz fall asleep in minutes, not even bothering to get under the covers. </p><p>So it’s just me and Winged Victory over here. He’s got his back to the door, like some threatening sphinx guarding the exit. </p><p>The sphinx I ran into last March was far more attractive.  </p><p>I can’t tell if Simon’s got freckles in his acne scars or scars on his freckles. In any event he’s got literal craters on his face. And <em> so many freckles</em>. Big ones, small ones, clusters of them. </p><p>It’s like some pint-sized Jackson Pollock shook a paint-laden brush at him. Repeatedly. </p><p>I don’t know what to make of him. He was like some Biblical avenging angel, wielding cosplay swords like they were the real thing this afternoon. Staking vampires like it’s his literal job. </p><p>I don’t know. Maybe it is. </p><p>Simon’s got a scar that runs down across his left eyebrow. Splits it in two, with a little bare patch in the middle. His arms are crossed over his chest at the moment. He’s got scars all over them too--wide, silvery scars. Thin pale ones. Puckered gouges that look like they were left by claws. </p><p>He’s glaring at me, but I’m used to that from Maybes. At least until they get to know me.</p><p>I just smile back.</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>title from the song "I've Been Everywhere" by Johnny Cash. Because it's Shep and Johnny Cash and this song seemed a perfect fit.</p><p>my thanks to basicbathsheba, penpanoply and drvivc for their encouragement of this concept,</p></blockquote></div></div>
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